Inspiration

Have you ever heard a song that you identify with? You hear the words and and it ministers to you, or just really touches you? I have been a bit of a music junky since a teenager! At first because it was the cool thing however, I grew to love playing and listening to music. So, when I am going through different times in my life there are songs that I idenitfy with! A song by Chris Tomlin "I Will Rise" has really hit home for me. I heard the song probably two weeks after Katya died! And you know what was interesting? As soon as I heard it- it just hit home for me I sang it, it became my heart's song. However, I am not sure I really believed all the words yet...Or maybe it wasn't the words so much as what the words stood for.....I kept asking myself if I really believe all this stuff that I have been proffessing to in the last 12 years..This song help me realize that I do, albeit a little modified but, my general core of beliefs are still there...and thats what I needed to come realize. Enjoy the song!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvrBQL8swLI&feature=player_embedded here is a link....hopefully it works! If not, I am working on how to get a youtube video in here....not sure yet!

Its been a couple of days!

I know its been a couple of days! I will write more later, I just wanted to say Hi and that I am around!

Wanting to be a mom: Selfish or not?

So, one of the flame-worthy post tonight on BOTB (The Bump one) was entitled "its always selfish to want to be a mother." At first I thought I agreed then, I saw some of what the women said and I wasn't sure.

So why did I want to be a mom? I wanted to know what it feels like to be pregnant. I felt like that was a promise in the Bible that I would be a mother. I wanted to bring a child into the world and raise it "right"(selfish I know).

Some of the reasons why the ladies thought that it wasn't selfish is because it is an instinct. Woman are born with that instinct. Some people ignore it, some people force in down until its really the right time but, for the most part women feel the need to procreate, and then mother that baby. I think this is true! If you think about it; there is scientific research that shows that when women are in their "fertile time" they are the most interested in sex. That is no mistake!

So, I think that being a mother is both selfish and instinct. However, if you are a mother the first lesson you learn is that it is one of the most selfLESS jobs hat a woman can hold. I always made a comment to husband when Emma was NB- he would ask have you eaten yet and I said no I will eat after Emma does. Most of that was because Emma was not gaining weight as she was supposed to in the beginning HOWEVER that is what comes with mommy territory- the baby becomes priority!

I do believe however, that there are certain situations that the selfishness is extreme and the reasons to have a baby should be examined. Obviously- any 16 year old girl who is trying to get pg should not! There are other reasons but, I am not sure I want to get into it here :)


S0, why did/do you want to get pg? Do you think its selfish or instinct- I want to know your thoughts btw------if you are reading this be a follower if you haven't become one already :)

A new breed of moms

I have found that there is a new generation of mothers. These mothers are in their 20s-30s although, I am not sure age has much to do with it. They still shop at places like Old navy and The Gap. Shows like Gossip girl, America's Next Top Model, and 90210 the next generation (or whatever its called) are on their DVRs. On their night stands there are books called "Belly Laughs" and Books from the Twilight Series. These women can be seen with their children in the cutest new outfit from Children's place or Gymboree and they have the latest and greats in baby technology with them in the bottom of their expensive jogging stroller. Speaking of jogging, these moms still value what they look like, they are active, exercise and try to eat well. Their hair is done, and make up put on. How do they afford all of this? Most of these women either work out of the home or work from their home. Many of them take care of children in their homes, so they can stay at home with their children but, still have some extra income. Others sell products like Mary Kay and Pampered chef. Increasingly, the new generation of women are "Green" the cloth diaper their kids, use organic foods and cleaning products, and are into baby wearing. Many of them stay in touch with friends via Message boards such as Modern Bliss, The Bump, or The Nest. They proudly display pics of their kids, tickers of their pg countdown, and name their labor buddies.
Why am I talking about this generation of mothers? Well, because I am one of the! But also, because I am proud to be one of them. These moms band together when someone is down and out. They are excited for their friends when the get a bfp and wish them well when they find out twins are on the way. They rally around ladies when their friend miscarries her baby, and will stick up for them when some one is being mean! These women are aware of their Earth, they are smart when it comes to menu planning and budgeting. I am so proud to be in such great company as a mom!

Nothing is Ever Black and White.

I think there is gray area. Don't you?

Let me just reaffirm something, this is for any mom who is reading this. Maybe you can identify maybe you can't.

Just because I am not sure that being a full time stay at home mom is what I want to do does not mean that I don't like being a mommy! That is just silly! I love Emma. Nothing, nothing, nothing could ever change that! Seriously! Even if one day I wake up and say to myself "I totally effed up my life, I am leaving husband, leaving this state, etc. " Emma is and will always be one of the loves of my life. It is crazy to associate a woman wanting to work outside of the home with somebody who is not "liking" being a mom. I gave birth to her, we have a bond. I was praying, talking, and daydreaming about Emma way before I ever saw the pink line on the hpt!
I struggle everyday- While I am at home with Emma I enjoy playing with her, seeing her learn new things, picking her up from her nap and all she wants to do is cuddle me, going for walks! I think to myself I will miss this stuff, I will miss bringing her to the park maybe even her first steps.
However, I believe that in order for me (and all other mommies) to be a good mom we have to be fully satisfied with our own lives. I think that's why we see so many moms now addicted to prescription painkillers and booze. They have lost themselves in their quests to be the perfect mom. Part of their quest included staying home and trying to be everything to everybody all at once. Now, there is nothing wrong with this- its just all about balance. And let me just say now- I am no where close to this balance I speak of. However, I acknowledge that probably I am not going to find it staying at home focusing all my energies on Emma and husband. That's why I think not everything is black and white!

Emma stands alone

Thats right, she is standing all on her own! My goodness what a I gonna do? She is growing up way too fast! I am thinking this means some walking is in her very near future!

I need to get my butt in gear!

A few months back I wrote a post about how I am furious with my baby fat, the one that just has not melted away yet! Well, its jut getting bad! I look terrible. Weight wise I am still below my highest weight. However, there are still post pregnancy pounds that need to disappear. Not to mention everything just fits me differently! I knew pregnancy does a number on your body- but wow! And now one of my friends is almost down to where she was before her pregnancy and she looks GREAT! And her soon is only 6 months old.

And I know it is my fault! I am trying not just to blame the pregnancy or the fact that I only got to bf for six weeks (which really helps ladies lose weight). I know that I have not gotten my eating under control and I also need to get back to exercising. So I have popped my dance video back in a couple of times. Also, Naomi and I have started are walks again. We did three miles yesterday- and again today. However, walking outside is hit and miss until the weather is for sure warm enough to bring our kids out in. So, yeah eating and exercising are going to be my focus for the spring (along with getting a job). Will you guys keep me in check? Thanks! :)

Phew....

Tonight was our first night bringing our friend Chad a meal. For the last two weeks my biggest worry would be that as soon as we walked into the house and see Chad and the kids and not have Katya welcome us, I would just lose it. I did well! I didn't break down. I sat and held Jackson (3 weeks old now) for a half an hour. We had a laid back conversation, and didn't want to stay long. It was nice to see Chad and actually get to meet Jackson. One of the reasons why I held on so tight to him is for two reasons. One was b/c in some small way its still a connection to Katya, also because he doesn't have a mommy to love on him- I wanted to do that for a little while! Well, this short tonight but, we are heading to bed! Good night all!

I don't want to, you can't make me do it!

I think I have to go back to work. Boo!

I left work mid April last year in order to prepare for Emma, I had every intention of going back but, apparently the school had other plans. At the time we were great! After working for awhile the paycheck that I brought it was just adding some cushion to our account! It was the first time in our whole marriage we were on the upswing! Well, now almost a year of not working I think it has caught up with us. Husband thinks we can get by and that it is not a necessity! We just have to cut somethings, which I am afraid I think might be Internet. I think though, I would feel better if I was bringing some income in! The hard part is breaking even when it comes to childcare!

I have thought about going a couple of different routes: I could Sell Mary Kay apparently some people do really well in that! My friend Naomi sells, and I could join her team. Not sure how I would do at it though.
I could bring a child into my house and watch him/her. My house is small though, not a lot of room to run around. We do have a big yard but, no outside toys. However, I am thinking that having just one kid would make it easy for us to go to the park, and do fun things as well.
Then finally, I can find some job working outside of the home I could either go down the retail route where I know I could find a job, or look for something profession. Nothing huge, since me degree is not finished I don't have a lot of hope bringing in more than 30,000 if that! I am thinking something like medical receptionist. If I work retail, I would probably bring home after daycare and taxes 130 a week. However, if I go for a receptionist job, I might be able to pull out a little more than that a week. Grr, this is so frustrating! I joke with my mom that she should stop working and make her job taking care of Emma lol!

Well, my crappy night has gotten better now that I just saw Doug Ross back on ER tonight!

When I can't fall asleep...

I shop online!! I had a 20% off code for Gymboree and here is what I got:

And the grand total (w/o shipping) 37 bucks! yeah thats right!! I know how to find deals :)

Our red shoes..

Emma and I both wore red shoes to church on Sunday, I thought I woud share!

Not the greatest, but shows of the red shoes a bit better!



Looking up to mommy!

A close up!

The third stage...

In an earlier post I talked about the stages of grief. Well, I think I might be to my final one (remember theses were my own made up stages.)

Since Katya passed I have been having non stop dreams in which Chad and Katya are both in. Well, the last two dreams that I have had have only had Chad in them. I am not sayin thats its good that she wasn't in my dreams, I just think I moved on to acceptance. Life goes on and we have to adjust. She will be rememeber fondly and she will be talked about alot! I think I maybe turning the corner on this part.

However, I am still questioning a lot these days!

She is still in the hospital!

My niece is still in there! They want to keep her there again tonight. Apparently her fever just won't break. She ate breakfast this morning but, I guess now she is back to feeling bad. Husband and I are going to go out there tonight and give my brother and his gf a break! They will probably just go get some dinner. Please keep praying!

Please Pray Niece

My niece Cadence is in the hospital right now with a high fever that the docs can't get to break and not sure what the cause is! Please pray that they find they cause and get rid of the fever. Before two weeks ago, I would have said a prayer and gone on my way (even though I am really close to her) but now I am freaking out! Little minor things can turn into big things quickly! Please pray for the best.

Lets get back to "Normal"

With Some Pics!

First Picture is of me, Emma and Husband with my friend Sarah her husband and their son. They are moving soon! Second one is Emma, apparently she wasn't done with the puffs! The third is of Emma and I- that was a rough day! the next one is Emma escaping- she loves to be naked. the other one is of Row-grandma, and the last is Emma trying to get the puffs again!

Btw- anybody know a easier way to gets these pics in a post? When I get them in I can never get the laid out the way I want them!

"Test Everything"

1 Thessalonians 5 say to "test everything. And hold on to the good." Now, it was in the context of prophecy- but do you think that means teachings as well? I am pretty sure there are passages that talk about not taking everything at face value and I should study up for myself and not just let my pastor decide for me what I believe. For a couple of weeks now I have been questioning somethings that I have been learning regarding prophesy,prosperity and healing. I have been feeling kind of lost lately b/c I talk about these things with husband and he doesn't see the problem. However, in my thinking- something doesn't add up. Now, I really don't want to write all about theology I am just saying I am doubting somethings right now. Especially after what happened to Katya and now the after affects that her family has to deal with.

Now, let me just say that I don't want to be one of those questions who goes around saying "Lord why did you do this to my friend?" I do feel though; that I have legitimate questions that I hope will be answered. For the first time and I don't know how many years I went through a whole praise service at church and did not praise. Now, there were many things going on taking care of Emma and having Sarah next to me I sometimes talk to her :) However, I think that I kind of am in a sulking stage right now and was still upset. I know, that is not a mature christian thing to do- but I did and hopefully will get through that. Husband just thinks that I am still upset about Katya and in a couple of weeks when the hurt isn't so bad I will get over it. I hope that is true however, I was questioning things before she passed- and now it has only intensified. I don't know whats going to happen!