"This is all that I can say right now"

The first song that you hear when you come to my blog is by David Crowder Band and its called "This is all that I can say right now" It seems to sum up how I am feeling right now! Its scrolling over on the side bar if you want to look at it, or click on the link under it and it will give you the whole song lyrics. Right now I want to focus on two verses one:

And didn't You see me cry'n?And didn't You hear me call Your name?

Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?

I wish You'd remember Where you sat it down

So these pretty much this is how I am feeling right now...I feel like He didn't hear me! Katya had well over hundreds of people praying for her on the day that she passed including myself and for some reason God decided not to intervene! Its a dark place I feel and I think also that her husband feels the same way- worse though! Well, there is another verse in the song, this is where I am hoping that I end up and everybody who is mourning her death ends up:

I didn't notice You were standing here

I didn't know that that was You holding me

I didn't notice You were cry'n too

I didn't know that That was You washing my feet

I am hoping when we all move on from this we notice that God was there the whole time, he was crying too and comforting! I am not there yet and I doubt Chad is either. I pray that I get pass this doubt and move on to the next verse!

Sackcloth

In the Bible when somebody died usually there would be a period of mourning...It would be obvious. The things that people wore, the way they looked made it clear that this person was in mourning. I always remember hearing a story about somebody from the Bible taring his robe and waring sackcloth in after the death of a loved one. This is how I felt like this morning...I got up early this morning to do my hair, put my make up on, put on a dress that I ironically wore to a wedding only three months ago. Seriously, why in the heck do I care what I look like when I am going to a memorial service for a friend? Whats the point?

Last night we went to the calling hours, I got there and saw my friend Annette and we hugged and it was great! I think it was the first time that I really let my emotions go. I mean I have cried all week long. However, I am not really sure I connected it the death of Katya. I felt so removed from the situation because we live an hour away like it wasn't real to me. Well, when we walked into the church and I saw her paintings and pictures of her all of the church. It hit me. She is gone! Then, I walked into the sanctuary to see Chad standing at the front of the room in front of her coffin. Yeah this is happening! I am glad that we went to calling hours because after we hugged Chad and cried together I got to sit down and reflect.

Today was harder! Like people thought there were people standing all over the place, there was an overflow room! Katya truly has really touched a lot of people in her life! Just the amount of people that showed up to mourn made that obvious! I think I literally cried through the whole two hours service! However, the most heartwarming time was when after laying a flower on her coffin Husband and I went over and hugged Chad and Ella...immediately he started bawling! The Husband shared with Chad about a dream he had last night. The dream was that he saw Jesus and He was crying every single tear that Chad cried. That was the end...We all three were bawling! Although, there were sad moments it was fun to look at all the pictures and see her and reflect back on how much fun we had with Katya. Annette and I found a picture of Husband and me, Annette and her husband, Chad and Katya at the fourth of July fireworks on Hannawah Pond! Every year we take canoes and Kayaks out and watch them from the water. Well, last time we all went together Annette and her husband and me and my husband were in a conoe together..We capsized it! Katya couldn't stop laughing!! her and Chad insisted on pictures being taken..So there we all are...most of us soaking wet smiling and having a good time! That's gotta be one of the fondest moments I have of her. She was just a cheerful person always laughing and had a smile on her face. I really literally do feel honored to have known her!
Even as I sit down to write this, its hard to think about the fact that Katya is really the one who is gone!

Stages of Grief

So, I remember learning in one of my psych courses in college the stages of grieving ,I don't remember them but, I may be making up my own!

1. Complete and utter shock! Like I didn't believe it! I had to look at the e-mail that was sent to me before I called the two friends who didn't know yet! I kept on saying to husband "wow" I just don't believe it!

2. I think I am at stage 2 right now (my made up stage 2). Whenever I punch in my web address for my blog there it appears, the Last picture of Katya and I took together. Tears once again appear! Or, reading her obit and the article in the local paper about her! Oh my gosh! I can't help myself the tears just flow! I think it finally hit me that she is really gone!

So, here is what I am struggling with right now. I know that I have every right to grieve as she was my friend and I will miss her dearly. I just feel weird; people at my church are asking how I am doing (we prayed for her Sunday morning at church). Well, I am sad but, she left behind a husband and two kids- I sometimes don't know if I am sad at the loss of a friend or if I am sad for Chad! Which, I guess would be totally understandable after all Chad is my friend too. I guess either aren't bad.
We have decided that we are going to both the calling hours and the memorial service! We are hoping (along with Sarah and her husband) that going to the calling hours we might be able to give Chad a hung and be alittle more personally comforting. We are thinking that the memorial is going to be "standing room only" and may not get a chance to give our condolences then. I am just think though, when we walk into the church and see Chad I will break down. I don't want to do that! I don't want to have to have people comfort me! I want to be the comforter for her family! That's it for now!

We lost a friend..

My friend Kayta passed away today. She leaves behind a daughter who is 4, and son who is just 5 days old and her husband Chad. Also, a legacy- she has to be one of the most caring, friendliest I have ever met. She touched the lives of many, she was a youth group leader at Kononia for many years and also a teacher at the local high school. She will be missed! Here is a picture Katya, her hushand, their daughter and me! This was taken in October when we happen to run into each other in NYC of all places.

Please pray!

My dear friend Katya is in critical condition! She had a baby 5 days ago and then developed an infection. I guess the doctors had a hard time figuring out what was going on and the infection is doing a number on her body! Her heart has stopped once already! She is on a machine to breathe due to parlaysis I guess caused by the infection that can pretty quickly spread to the lungs! Please pray that this infection would leave her body and that there would be no other affects from this sickness!!

Being a nervous mommy

Emma is spending her first night in her own crib in her own room! And I am so nervous! I am just so used to having her a foot away from my bed so I could look over and see that everything is okay at night. Now she is all the way upstairs, and I have checked on her twice already and she has only been asleep for barely two hours.

I am not sure what I am worried about other than just not being able to see her. I do have monitors and I am listening intently to them, we shall see what happens!

Blog help

Anybody know how to do a custom header (the title of my blog) and know how to make my blog look different? By different I mean not using a blog background that I copy and paste! Let me know if you have any suggestions!

So excited

Husband came home from work last night and went straight to the computer. After a couple of mins I asked him what he was doing? He said come look and this is what I saw!

He is looking at modular homes for us! Yes, we did just buy a house a year ago. However, we are finding it is smaller than we would like, and also the second oldest house in the town we live in! So, we would like something bigger and newer. So these are the kind of homes that are made to our specifications, the picture of the outside of the house is what it would look like. We would keep the same floor plan that you see there, which is I know kind of small. But we pick the counters, carpets, windows, etc. That enables to keep it at a price that is affordable to us. What we like about this idea, is obviously the house itself. There are three bedrooms downstairs a living room and a family room, and an office. Thats all on one floor. Then the dinning and kitchen area, utility room etc. Upstairs is unfinished so if when we need the space and we have the money for it would be ready to dry wall and carpet and we could use that space. However, the down side of the plan- we are living in a buyers market! That means, our house might sit on the market forever. We also, have to find land, clear it, lay foundation! We are dreaming big right now! We will see what happens with it though! I am just so excited that husband as the one that brought it up! When he brings things like this up to me, he is serious! If you want to see the home more, here is a link. http://www.americanhomescny.net/models_display.asp?id=14197&pic_id=1

Cute!

Tell me this is not the cutiest picture of Emma ever? The End!

p.s.- its a little blurry because it was taken on my cell phone!

Ponytale or whale spout?

See that tiny thing, that is our first ponytale and I love!!

Second hand shops and good deals!

So today husband, Emma, and I went out looking for some deals. We are still on the hunt for the perfect dresser for Emma's room, and we are now looking for jogging strollers. So we made our rounds at all the second hand shops and didn't find a stroller or a dresser. But I found one shop called Classy Kids! They had awesome clothes. I got 5 things! I got a spring jacket for Emma more like a fleeced with some lining in it! It will be great for those days that are 30s -50s but there is a cold wind! We also got an old navy pull over fleece, another old navy hoodie so cute! Old Navy jeans, and cute denim skirt. I paid 15 bucks for all of that! they all are in great condition.

Husband was patient with me because I have been on a shopping spree for Emma lately. She is now in 12m clothes for the most part(because of her length)! And all the 12m clothes that we have for her are summer stuff! I went to Kohls yesterday and got some things for Emma there as well! There is an extra 25% off all of their clearance stuff! I am going to have to take some pictures and show off our outfits from our trip!

She has more than enough clothes! Now we to find a jogging stroller and dresser!

Old Navy finds!!!

I am in love with these dresses, both clearenced at Old Navy!

I got this one in 12-18 months which I think I wil have her wear with a long sleever shirt under it before then!
And this one I ordered in 6-12 months! A nice spring dress! Which will go with the target shoes that I found, the one I labeled in a previous post as the spring shoe, I will go back for them now!



I also found somethings for me, this was oldnavy.com actually! however, when I finally went to check out they were all out of stock of my choices! Grrr, well tomorrow I think Em and I will go into town and I might stop by old navy and see what the in store sales are like!

Some Pictures

Emma trying Puffs for the first time!

Daddy taking silly shots!

Sleeping in her crib!

mommy and Emma

8 month stats!

My little girl is 8 months old! Where has the time gone? Today, she had her 8 month appointment, no shots for once! However, they did do a hemoglobin test. They just pricked her big toe and that was it. Emma didn't even notice that it happened. The first results were kind of low so they pricked again. They were perfect the second time. However, it took me two hours to get out of that office today. I guess I went during the peek of cold/flu season, so doctors were busy and nurses were calling in sick. Emma and I were forgotten about at one time! Oh well, I am patient when it comes to waiting and luckily Emma was great during the waiting. So...

Emma Rose

Head-17inches (25-50 percentile)

Weight-21lbs (75-90th)

Height-29inches (above 95th)

So, I have a feeling Emma is going to be tall like daddy! Our little girl is so healthy and her milestones are all being met and exceeded. We go back when she is 10 months old and they do a milestones check I guess. A nurse will sit and play with her and check her fine motor skills, gross motor skills, and how much she is walking, and talking.

Our Dr also told us we can start giving her snacks and juice if we want to. So we started giving her those Gerber graduate puffs! I also got her some apple juice and watered it down. We took pics of the special occasion and I will post them once I get them off of my camera!

Running to edit.....

My MIL is on facebook now! LOL. She hasn't officially friended me..however, she did DH's cousin so I know I am not that far off! I literally went through my stuff and deleted stuff I didn't want her to see...lol I feel like a little child. Just a note, I love my mother in law to pieces, however I think sometimes she is a little nosier than she needs to be! Anyways, in other news Emma is now a whopping 8 months old! We go for her 8 month appointment tomorrow, and thank goodness she doesn't have to have any shots this time around.

Other than that, there's not much to report, other than I think I am going to big fat FAIL my first semester back in college...go me!?

She has her first "booboo"

Emma is really daring....

She has been pulling herself up to things since about six months...after that she was walking behind things. So, now she is trying to stretch her limits! Tonight, husband went into the bathroom and shut the door, she got upset by this. Proceeds to pull herself up on to the door and wait there until Daddy came out. I yelled to husband "Honey be careful when you come out Emma is at the door. Well, apparently he didn't hear me because the door cam a swinging open with Emma still standing up against it. She fell head first into the door frame right on the corner of her forehead. She has pretty good size goose egg there, and bruise. Plus, she has scrape as well. All this 5 days before she has her 8 months appointment with the pedi. Oh well, hopefully it will heal up before then. I tried to put on ice on it, but she wasn't having that. I figure we won't go out in public for a couple of days lol. I can only imagine what people think when they see stuff like that on babies heads.

As a first time mom my first reaction was over reacting. Husband picked her up first, I then demanded she be in my arms right away. Then I started to think about head injuries, does she of a concussion, and so forth. Finally, I moved into aw mommy- I took a picture of her first owie!

So that's that's the story of Emma's first injury.

A new cell phone!

Look what I got!!!

So, I got this hot new phone, in the green color. Along with it, we upgraded my package and added unlimited text messaging and ulimited internet acess. So, I will be updating this via twitter in the coming days. That way I can share with you the ever daying musing of a stay at home mom. You can share with me, drs appointments, playdates, and long line waits! Wohoo.