Easter

Tomorrow we will be celebrating Easter. As a kid Easter wasn't a huge holiday..We got baskets filled with candy and eggs we had decorated ourselves, and have a nice dinner. However, as I grew in my Christian faith Easter has become more exciting to me. Its not all about Easter bunnies and candy. It is about Jesus dying on the cross for our sins, then leaving the tomb empty three days later. The fact that I am excited about celebrating this gives me hope!

Although I may be questioning a lot of things I can not question the fact that there is a living God. I have been thinking a lot about healing. I will admit in the last two months I have gone back in forth on what I believed. Is healing for today? how active a role do we play in it? Is it random? Can God heal everybody? Questions like these literally haunt me almost on a daily basis. Why is that? Well, I tend believe I have had a pretty powerful experience with it myself. About a month before I found out I was pg with Emma I had undergone some fertility testing. I had an HSG done, and I found out two things. One, that my right Fallopian tube was blocked(but the test itself seemed have to removed the blockage) and that I have a small wall on the top of my uterus. The top of my uterus is slightly missed shaped however, no fully a bicournate heart. I was told that each and every pregnancy will be a bit risky because of this. It raises the chance of miscarriage or delivery a premature baby. At that time I hopped on praying and asking others to pray for me because I knew I wanted to be a mother. A month later I got pg! I was so excited and a little anxious. They got me in for an ultrasound at 10wks and found that my uterus was completely NORMAL! Serious, just month before that it wasn't. The midwife when she saw the notes from the person who read the ultrasound was baffled and just chalked it out to maybe the baby being in there stretching everything out. I clung on to the fact that God had touched my uterus and is going to sustain the pregnancy and this baby.

Fast forward to Dec 08...I had a chemical pregnancy at about 5 weeks. Because I was so early all I needed was a blood test to confirm my numbers(the were to not officially pregnant anymore) and I didn't have to see my midwife. However, I did get a chance to talk to her and she did convince me I was indeed pg at one point but, probably due to my uterine problems we lost the baby. Or in Feb of 09 Katya passing away. Why was I healed in once instance and not in another? Or why was I healed and Katya couldn't be saved? All these question haunt me, and hopefully one day I will come to terms with it and my faith will be stronger than ever.

For now though, I will go to church tomorrow and celebrate the fact that Jesus is alive.